Who says working in a call center is a boring job?
Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate Windows — because of the icons — I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to –”
Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet…is ‘little picture’ ok?”
Customer: [click]
——————————
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?” Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.” Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”
—————–
Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!” (client thought to ‘pee’)
—————————————-
One night working at technical support, this old lady called and told me that she received our disk
and said that she’s afraid of it.
Tech: Well, ma’am there is nothing to be afraid of. It’s a disk for your computer.
Cust: Well, I don’t have a computer. The directions say “install and run”. I’m too old to run.
Tech: Ma’am could you please hold? (screams with laughter)
Tech: Ma’am I can insure you that you are OK.
Cust: OK. Should I call the police?
Tech: No, ma’am, just throw it away.
Cust: Well, there is a silver thing that slides across and it clicks. What is that?
Tech: It is safe to throw it away. It’s for a computer, OK?
Cust: But is this a bomb?
Tech: No, ma’am, just throw it away.
Cust: Now?
Tech: Yes, if you like.
Cust: Son, you saved my life! Thank you and have a nice day.
—————————————————–
Tech: Okay, sir, to finish opening your account, I will need you to provide a credit card number.
Cust: All right, hold on. (some rustling around) Okay, do you have it yet?
Tech: Well, no. You haven’t given it to me yet.
Cust: Sure I did, I just stuck it (the card) in this (3.5 inch) slot in the front of this computer.
——————————————————-
Another customer calling the Canon help desk complained that his BJC-610 was not printing red.
After the tech ran the customer through a few unsuccessful cleanings, he asked the customer to
remove the red tank and see how much ink was in it.
The customer then said “No, it doesn’t have any ink.
On page 130 in the manual, it said to do some extensive cleanings. So, I drained the ink and
filled it with water to clean it.”
————————————————–
Cust: Yes, I just got this thingy in the mail, AOL for Windows… is this a home security thing?
Tech: Ma’am?
Cust: Well, do I set it in my window and it protects my house from burglars?
Tech: No, ma’am, it’s a computer program, for Windows computers.
Cust: Oh…I don’t even have a computer…why did you send me this?
Tech: You were on a mailing list…
Cust: Okay…
—————————————–
Cust: Yes, I just got this disk in the mail for ten hours. Does it give me e-mail?
Tech: Yes, ma’am, it does.
Cust: Well, can I have my answering machine hooked up so that I can just check my e-mail from my answering machine?
Tech: Well, no, ma’am, it does not work that way.
Cust: Now, you listen, young man, there is no reason for you to get smart with me!
Tech: No, ma’am, I understand. I was just trying to explain to you how it works.
——————————————-
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer’s asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: “Hello. I can’t get on the network.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage.”
Customer: “What is that?”
Tech Support: “That little barcode on the front of your computer.”
Customer: “Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . .”
————————————-
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
————————————————————–
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”
————————————————————–
Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”
————————————————————–
Tech Support: What is your User Name?
Customer: John Smith.
Tech Support: (searching for user name johnsmith to no avail) that’s your user name, your login? The one
your account uses?
Customer: Yep.
Tech Support: So, John Smith is the user name for your account?
Customer: Yep.
Tech Support: .. (search for customer account by last name, find a million Smiths.. finally finds
account.) We have your user name listed as “wolf231″.
Customer: Yep.
Tech Support: Not John Smith.
Customer: Yep.
Tech Support: …
————————————————————–
I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.
Tech Support: “All right. Now click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”
Tech Support: “Yes, click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”
Tech Support: “That’s right. Click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “So I click ‘OK’, right?”
Tech Support: “Right. Click ‘OK’.”
Pause.
Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”
Tech Support: “YOU CLICKED ‘CANCEL’???”
Customer: “That’s what I was supposed to do, right?”
Tech Support: “No, you were supposed to click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “I thought you said to click ‘Cancel’.”
Tech Support: “NO. I said to click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Oh.”
Tech Support: “Now we have to start over.”
Customer: “Why?”
Tech Support: “Because you clicked ‘Cancel’.”
Customer: “Wasn’t I supposed to click ‘Cancel’?”
Tech Support: “No. Forget that. Let’s start from the top.”
Customer: “Ok.”
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady’s unique
computer.
Tech Support: “All right. Now, are you ready to click ‘OK’?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Tech Support: “Great. Now click ‘OK’.”
Pause.
Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”
Yet people wonder why my mouse pad has a spot labeled “BANG HEAD HERE!” 
————————————————————–
Customer: “Do I need a computer to use your software?”
Tech Support: ?!%#$
————————————————————–
Tech Support: “What type of computer do you have?”
Customer: “A white one.”
————————————————————–
Tech Support: “Is your computer on a separate telephone line?”
Customer: “No.” (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: “Well then we can’t-”
Customer: “It says ‘no dial tone’.”
Tech Support: “That’s because you’re on the line with me right now. You need to-”
Customer: “No, that’s not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will
let me through.”
Tech Support: “No, sir. It’s not even trying to dial right now because you’re on the phone with me.”
Customer: “It must be busy. I’ll try again later.”
————————————————————–
Tech Support: “What’s on your screen right now?”
Customer: “A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store.”
————————————————————–
Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”
Tech Support: “What does it say?”
Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”
————————————————————–
Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on The screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells
you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] “Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
[pause] “Yes, it is.”
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
[muffled] “Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
[still muffled] “I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?” [clear again] “No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle > –it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power–!?!” …[AAAAAAARGH!]
“A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now.
“Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!”
[slam]
————————————————————–
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
————————————————————–
A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the
computer had said it “couldn’t find printer” The user had also tried turning the computer screen to
face the printer but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
————————————————————–
Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?
Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!
Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?
Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!
Tech: We didn’t put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.
Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I’m looking at them right now! (Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)
Tech: Where exactly are these “bookmarks” located?
Female Customer: In Netscape!
Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?
Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!
Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?
Female Customer: Yes that one!
Tech: Miss, that’s the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that
box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address.
Female Customer: Well I certainly didn’t type in those X rated web addresses!
Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet?
Female Customer: Just me and my husband!
(Several seconds of silence pass. Hey! I wasn’t going to say it!)
Female Customer:……..oh…………. OOOH! … Thank you.
(She quickly hung up)
————————————————————–
It’s time to turn off your computer when…
…you wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, but
stop to check your email first.
…you name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom.
…you turn off your modem and get this awful empty
feeling as if you pulled the plug on a loved-one.
…you spend half of the plane trip with your
laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
…you decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
…you laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
…you start using smileys in your snail mail (if you even remember what that is).
…you find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
…you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
…you can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.
…you check your mail. It says “no new messages”.
So you check it again.
…you don’t know what gender your three closest friends are because they have neutral screen-names, and you never bothered to ask.
…you move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.
…you tell the cab driver to take you to “http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html”
…you start tilting your head sideways to smile
—————————————————–
A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.
About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.
She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. “Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?” the man asked.
“Because,” replied the blonde, “my computer keeps telling me that I’ve got mail!”
——————————————————–
Customer: “Can you help me, the cup holder on my new computer broke, and I don’t know what to do?
Friend: “Cup holder? What are you talking about? None of our computers come with a cup holder
attached to them, and I’ve never heard of one that did.”
Customer: Yes, well the one you sold me did, and the other day I went to set a mug of coffee on it and it just snapped off!”
Friend: “Sir, can you describe what the cup holder looks like, because I still can’t picture what a cup holder on a computer would look like?”
At this point the customer is getting a little irritated!
Customer: “Look, I don’t know how you could not know that you sell computers with cup holders on them, because it’s right in the middle of the thing, and when you push a button on the side, it pops out so you can set your drink on it, and it says 4X on the front cover!”
A long pause . . .
Friend: Sir, are you telling me, you’re using your CD-Rom drive as a beverage holder?”
Customer: “What’s a CD-Rom Drive?”
—————————————————–
Diary of an AOL User
july 18- i just tried to connect to america online, which I’ve heard is the best online service I can
get. i can’t connect, i dont know what is wrong.
july 19- some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. i dont see why. hes just trying to cheat me. how dumb does he think i am?
july 20- i bought the modem. i couldnt figure out where it goes. it wouldnt fit in the moniter or the
printer. im confused.
july 21- i finally got the modem in and hooked up. that three year old next door did it for me.
july 22- that three year old kid next door hooked me up to america online for me. hes so smart.
july 23- whats the internet? i thought i was on america online, not this internet thingy. im
confused.
july 24- the three year old kid next door showed me how to use this america online stuff. he must be a genius, at least compared to me.
july 25- i tried to use chat today. i tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe i need to buy a microphone.
july 26- i found this thingy called usenet. i got out of it because im connected to america online,
not usenet. i went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. he says that since i connected to
america online, my brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.
july 27- these people in this usenet thingy keep using capital letters. how do they do that? i never
figured out how to type capital letters. maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
july 28- i found this thingy called the usenet oracle. it says that it can answer any questions i
ask it. i asked it 44 seperate questions about the internet. i hope it responds soon.
july 29- i found a group called rec.humor. i decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. to get to the other side! ha ha! i wasn’t sure if i posted it right so i posted it 56 more times.
july 30- i keep hearing about the world wide web. i didnt know spiders grew that large.
july 31- the oracle responded to my questions today. geez, it was rude. i was so angry that i posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. i wasn’t sure if it posted right so i posted it 22 more times.
august 1- someone told me to read the faq. geez, they didn’t have to use profanity.
august 2- i just read this post called make money fast. im so exited, im going to make lots of money. i followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.
august 3- i just made my signature file. its only 6 pages long, so i will have to work on it some more.
august 4- i just looked at a group called .aol.sucks. i read a few posts and i really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. i wonder what an “aol” is, however.
august 5- i was asking where to find some information about something. some guy told me to
check out ftp.netcom.com. ive looked and looked, but i cant find that group.
august 6- some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. i told him i don’t have an account at his bank. hes so dumb.
——————————————————————————–
Customer: “I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95.”
Tech Support: “Can you describe what happens?”
Customer: “Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, ‘C:\WINDOWS>’.”
Tech Support: “Which drive is your CD ROM?”
Customer: “The top one.”
——————————————————————————–
Customer: “Do I hit ‘F’ and ‘8′ at the same time?”
Tech Support: “Your password will be…a small ‘a’ as in apple, a capital ‘V’ as in victor, the number
‘7′.”
Customer: “Is that a capital ‘7′?”
——————————————————————————–
Tech Support: “Ok, let’s try once more, but use lower case letters…”
Customer: “Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.”
——————————————————————————–
Tech Support: “What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?”
Customer: “Netscape.”
Tech Support: “Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?”
Customer: “‘Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer’.”
——————————————————————————–
Customer: ‘OH!! You mean I need a modem *and* a computer to get on the internet?!’
——————————————————————————–
Customer: Hello, I’ve just faxed you some important papers. Did they get through all right?
Tech: No ma’am, I’m sorry, we haven’t received any faxes in the last half hour.
Customer: Well, make sure I’m doing this right. Walk me through the procedure.
Tech: Well, insert the paper into the fax machine and press SEND, then–
Customer: What fax machine?
——————————————————————————–
Man: ‘Uh, I’m trying to send e-mail to my daughter gt; and she’s not receiving it…’
Tech: ‘Okay, sir, what is her e-mail address?’
Man: ‘I don’t know… she doesn’t even have a computer…can’t I send it to her post office?’